Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Where is the hickey?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
