the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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