you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
