2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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