I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize