Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
