I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
How does it feel to date your dad?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
