They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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