I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
