Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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