I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
