She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
