The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
