the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
