Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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