good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
