At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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