Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
