my phone needs a breathalizer
Welp...herpes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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