so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize