my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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