I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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