So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
