Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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