oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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