Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
