3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
