Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
