I think im going to throw up on grandma
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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