I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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