I'm jealous of your bromance
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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