Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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