I'm lost and stupid without you.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
