dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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