I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
