I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
