On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
