stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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