K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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