I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
