I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
