Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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