Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
