Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
