Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
