Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
