We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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