shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
