He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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