He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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