I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
