Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
