Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
