I hate all girls vehemently.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's blow job season.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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