walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
