The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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