Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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