Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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