I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
