He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
