does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
