I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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