Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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