You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
