my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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