I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
