she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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