Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
