The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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