God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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